I find all too often, when I reach a satisfying mindset, that I quickly crash, once alone. I hate the sensation of the downward spiral. The paranoia creeps up behind me, quickly taking a hold of me. I feel empty. I feel tired. Not necessarily physically, but emotionally. It's like the absence of happiness is more apparent, in times like these. My entire life I have always played a certain role, worn masks. Boy, the weight increases greatly, once that mask is taken off. It all sinks in. I emotionally crash. I've always tried to play the part of the accepted one, a social chameleon, of sorts. Which is not to say I don't have similar tendencies, to those I surround myself with.
I want to be true to myself, but not only that, I want to be happy with it. I don't want to concentrate on the doubt, I want to be happy. Why am I fooling myself? I don't think I can ever quench the thirst I have, for fulfillment. I had finally reached that nirvana, sadly, for a relatively short time. That's how it works, isn't it? That should have been expected.
The only reason I haven't crashed and been a complete wreck, is because I've had to do otherwise. I'm always on automatic. I rarely get the opportunity to process things. I need to confront the situation, soon. I need to stop pushing things to the back burner, place them in priority, and stop being scared.
I could go on, but I've decided this is enough, for now.
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