“Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again.” - Alex Tan

My life is shattered. My heart is broken, by the thought of us fighting and the relationship that is no more. Your anger and downright loathing is no longer the familiar love and caring that surrounded me, throughout my childhood. It pains me so much to feel this way, I never wanted this to happen. I hate to be alienated, from you, but you are no longer the one I can come to, when I need you. I am sorry that the hell you went through corroded your heart, to the capacity that you no longer know how to love - no matter if it's your own daughter, family, a friend, or a stranger. I hope one day forgiveness will find you, and you can be healed, and happy. I am sorry for the weak moments I have where I lower my guard, and raise my defenses instead and hurt you - whether with words, or fists. Regardless of how you treat me, my behavior isn't always appropriate or right. I am not perfect, and I will be the first to admit that, though sometimes my attitude dictates otherwise. It's a fault of most humans, obviously in varying degrees, for each person or moment in time.

You've given me so much, throughout my life. You've sacrificed everything you have - I understand that, as someone who was the capacity to love unconditionally, and as a Mother. Over the past several years I see that as I am getting close to others, you seem to have a hard time adjusting, to that, and feel that you are losing me. The problem with that is that you were never, at risk, to lose me, because of those reasons. You will always be a part of my life - but the way you react, it threatens what we have. I understand that you want to protect me, that you care about me, that you want what's best for me - but you can not live my life, for me. You need to let me discover things, for myself, and let me decide what is right, for me.

I'm sorry for letting you hurt me, over and over again, only because I care about you so. Time after time I give, and I try.. and I think maybe it'll be different, this time; maybe you finally understand where I'm coming from. But here I am, again, in a place where I feel so much pain, where I feel so alone. You don't realize how much anguish you are putting me through. I don't know how you can sit there and see me crying, see the pain, on my face, time after time.

Two or three times I've found myself wondering what I can do to pay back the debt, I seem to owe you, so that I can move on and try to remain whole, for the sake of my sanity. I have much more at stake, than just my own sanity, I need to remain strong, for Bryan, like you tried to do, for me. So I implore you, at the very least, for Bryan, let go of the anger you hold, in your heart.

I do not want to hurt any more.